Jigsaw puzzle pieces of this so-called LIFE

I already have blog titles all lined up. Blogs about motherhood, about my daily activities, about my rants, especially about my mother. The first week of November I had in mind the title "She Was So Thin" after paying my mother a visit and found out how thin she was. I just had no chance to transfer what was on my mind to written blog.  Then there was "Crossing The Bridge" - about the mother that I am right now and the motherhood of Mama I experienced.

Through my IM tags and IM handle, my friends and collegues would know how excited I was come weekend. Everyday, I do countdowns. You see, I already secured approval from my boss that I will just be going to work only 4 days/week. I will spend my weekends and Monday taking care of my mother.

She was only 66 years old. Yup, too young to be defeated by the enemy - Alzheimer's. About a decade ago, we might mistaken the illness as just a "normal forgetfullness." But things wouldn't be normal anymore if the fundamentals of writing your own name is totally forgotten! Then there were patterns. Patterns she does everyday. Abnormal patterns like hiding the spoons and forks behind the bed... Or throwing the garbage and picking it up again... Patterns became worse as the years went on...

Our gut was right, as confirmed by the doctors. Alzheimer's. For 7 grueling years she battled with the enemy until finally he limp body succumbed.

Nov. 28, 2009. With the twins in tow, we headed to Mama's house (about an hour by bus from our place).  I saw her so thin, sitting there, with Papa beside her, begging her to eat. She refused to open her mouth (or she forgot how to due to the illness). Then Papa whispered to her that the twins were there. Her face lit up, capturing the glow from her eyes. My twins were her firstborn grandchildren, thus, her favorite. The kids told her stories, excitedly, especially their experience about their recent field trip. I saw Mama smiled. Usually, her smile was contagious. With just a glimpse of her smile, I always find myself smiling back. But that day was different. I felt tears rolling down my cheeks when I saw her smile.

It was my turn to talk to her. God, I have a lot to say! Instead, I just held her hand, and sobbed. I whispered “I love you, Mama.” And embraced her gently, not too tight for I was afraid her body will crush. I wiped the tears from her eyes, not minding my own. I let her watched the video of the twins I took. It was their own interpretation of “Wanna Be” by Spice Girls. I saw her tilt down and nod her head while watching the video. Then I held her hand again, not wanting to let her go. I told her things that I couldn’t share to anyone, not even my husband.

The last thing I remembered telling her was that 2009 was not a good year for me. But if there was one good thing remaining, it was because she was still there. I told her, “Hang on, Ma. Don’t give up.” I always draw courage from her. It was just ironic that right after I said that, I noticed that she slowly ceased breathing. She wasn’t gripping my hand anymore. I was still in denial. It was as if everything around me spin so fast I couldn’t catch up. The next thing I saw was Papa crying. My brother asking if it was still necessary for us to go to the hospital. There was no pulse. No breathing. None. My brother carried her very light body and carefully place her on the bed. I said yes. She was still alive. She can’t be dead. We were just talking, what happened? I told her to hang on. I am aware that I am not her favorite child. You know the story of the middle child, right? But I don’t care! I love my Mama and she was my favorite! She still is…

Till now I still can’t accept the fact that Mama is no longer with us. She shared with me one thing that my other siblings do not have- motherhood. I must admit I am not even half the mother to my kids the way she was with us. She was the most selfless human being I have ever known.

In his speech during the last funeral discourse, Papa said that my Mama was a better wife to him, than him being a husband to her. I couldn’t agree more. Perhaps Papa loved Mama the same way that she does. But in my eyes, the love Mama gave to Papa was far beyond any wife can give. From how I see it, the love that she showed was truly priceless.

 Now as I close my eyes I always see different image of her. Mama being healthy and happy…. The image of her when I held her hand not knowing that was the last… the image of her carrying my twins and the joy reflecting on her face. There are lessons learned. And there are more lessons I need to learn. Qualities that I have to adapt. Feelings that I have to show. And adjustments I should be making. Maybe she got tired already, I don’t know. It crossed my mind several times that perhaps… perhaps I am not worth loving after all. There are people who took advantage of me. People who were not there when I need them the most. And of all the people I needed, I need my Mama so badly… But she slowly slipped away.

 

 

If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be? What's keeping you from making that change?

***BEING TOO TRUSTING!!!***

I already have this conviction not to be too trusting. That is my vow this coming year.

This has been long overdue. My friend tried this one on his bifthday. I should have a list of mine last August. Here goes:

1. I daydream a lot.  In between work in the office, I always find myself thinking that I am in a different world – like a fairy of words, weaving thoughts and phrases into beautiful stories.
2. At the end of the day, when hugged tightly by my twin daughters, every pain I felt, every tear I shed, every problem I encountered quickly vanished away.
3. Every year, my top list among my New Year’s Resolution is to learn how to drive. Until now, I still don’t know how to drive. This has been on my top list since I was 19. LOL!
4. I am head over heels with Rob Thomas!!! Matchbox Twenty rocks!!!
5. I love water. I love swimming that at times, I feel that in my past life I was a mermaid (J)
6. I am very emotional. I cry for no reason especially when it’s the time of the month. (y’know)
7. Part of me is obsessive compulsive. I can’t stand a dirty kitchen.  I can’t stand seeing items placed on the pantry disorganized. I have my own method of putting the items on their proper places. I also have a habit of pouring more than the needed toilet bowl cleaner to the toilet every time  I use that. And it is also a habit that I put lotion in my hands. Then I put alcohol, then put lotion again. 
8. I prefer washed sugar than white sugar.
9. I’m an addict. Coffee addict, that is. And I go ga-ga over White Choco Mocha Hot Grande from Starbucks. But during normal days, a Nescafe cup of coffee will do. After meals, I drink coffee. That is after lunch...after dinner at home. This is really funny since I just started drinking coffee when I was in 3^rd year College. Imagine digging my head in between GE books during my freshman and sophomore years while I was sipping milk! 
10.  I love reading blogs and writing my own blogs as well. I don’t find it encouraging to read negative blogs like hullabaloos and emotional shipwrecks or what-have-you’s by others. It pulls away the energy out of me. Funny posts will do.
11. My favorite breakfast is corned beef, egg (sunny side up) and rice. I can eat that same meal for a month! (I just had one this morning – Thanks to Tropical Hut Hamburger!
12. I was diagnosed as having premature leukemia during the 2^nd quarter of this year. I also have an ongoing illness for 7 years now which is Lumbar Scoliosis and Osteo-athritis. I also have migraine and neuralgia. I might be a walking illness!!! But I don’t mind. I’ve got better things to think on. I need to prioritize.
13. My mother is already in an advanced stage of Alzheimer. She doesn’t have a hint who I am…and that is frustrating and heart breaking. My sisters and brothers tease me as the next in line since I look exactly like my Mom. It's a private joke, but there's a hidden truth in there.
14. When shopping, the first thing that I go in an instant is the perfume section. I love different brands and scents of perfumes. I don’t stick with only one brand/scent.
15. I am more of a bag lover than a shoes lover. I can have just plain white sandals or black. I don't even have brown shoes/sandals! But that's okay. As long as I have a groovy bag...
16. I have a pet, a Japanese Spitz  puppy I called “Mikhaela” – the name of Megan Fox from the movie “Transformers.” It is half-Terrier and half-Japanese Spitz.
17. The movie that serves as my all-time stress-reliever is White Chicks, a comedy film starred by the Wayans brothers (Shawn and Marlon).
18. I love the color Red.
19. The only computer game I love playing is ZUMA. But right now, I am enjoying Zuma’s Revenge and already smacked the face of Maga Maga, LOL!
20. I’m always in Facebook almost everyday, updating my status, checking out my friends and playing Yoville, taking care of my plants in Barn Buddy (and sometimes sneeking at my neighbors’ barns and steal some plants, haha!- talk about payback time!) and taking care of my virtual pet Mikhaela in Pet Palz
21. I love my work as a Quality Assurance Coach. I want to learn more though about everything within the Call Center environment. It is nice to weigh my options.
22. I draw poorly. My twin daughters draw and sketch more beautifully than me.
23. I hated Math when I was in High school. That was the reason why I took up BA Linguistics  in college. Back then, I only have Math 1 subject (yey!) which I passed with 2.75 grade (with the frustration of my father all read all around his face when he saw it). But later on, I found out that that Math seems very logical to teach to my kids; and we do Math everyday. So, I taught my twins to value Math. Thank God, this early, they have an uncanny liking to the subject. (And thanks to Numbers - the TV Episode. Have you watched it?)
24. I already wrote at least 20 Romance Novels written in our local dialect (Tagalog)
25. I have written songs and published some of them back when we had our Musical Recording Company (Himig Corp.)
26. Until now, if my muse pays me a visit I still write poems. That’s what I really love doing – writing!
27. I may be the last person in the office who hasn’t read Twilight series. I just read the first book, Twilight only after the movie was shown. Now that New Moon will be shown this Friday (and we already secured sure seats), only after I watch the movie will I start reading the book.
28. Stephanie Mayer is a great author. And I love the twists and turns of her saga. But the vampire I love the most is Sita. She is the main character of Christopher Pike’s “The Last Vampire” Saga.  She is a 5000 year old vampire.
29. If I only have all the time in the world, I would like to do book reviews as a dedication to my favorite authors who passed away like Sidney Sheldon and Frank McCourt.
30. I am heart over head. I am more emotional than logical thinker. Poor me! (huhuhu) And through personality test, I fond out that my right brain functions more than my left side of the brain.
31. My twins are my movie-theater buddies; shopping buddies; beauty parlor buddies, and of course, Starbucks buddies! They are my best friends in the world!
32. I am not fond of watching TV. The only TV programs I watch are news and news documentaries. I only watch TV program episodes I like from Surf the Channel like episodes of Gossip Girl, Glee, The Vampire Diaries and Melrose Place 2009.
33. I always ride a cab until last June of this year. I learned to ride on a bus. (talk about slow learner there? Haha!)
34. I like Spiderman more than Superman.
35. I have liked X-Men until only last year when a cousin introduced that to me. I don’t know. For some reason, I am not fond of cartoons since I was a kid. I know that there was a TV program before when I was a teener in Channel 2 about X-Men that was shown after Teen-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles and before Beverly Hills 90210. I had a chance to take a glimpse once in a while before while waiting for Beverly Hills to be aired.

 

Oh God, this is too hard!  See you next year for my "36 Truths About Me"...or can I just add one?

 

Plant S.E.E.D - SLEEP, EAT, EXERCISE, DRINK (water)

It's just the 2nd E that I am not doing. I made a pact to myself that effective tomorrow at 1AM I will devote myself an hour of stretching and fast dancing.  I will keep you posted. When I was still single I used to do it and it made me fell light. I knwo I can do it this time...

Day 3 teaches me to SWITCH PERSPECTIVE if I wanted to improve relationships. This is where the power of empathy comes in, or putting myself into the shoes of the other person. This way, I will tend to understand why my boss is in a bad mood, or my hubby in not in the mood, or why my kids are having their tantrums.

My reference encourages me to make an effort to get to know the other person and see things from his or her perspective. There's no better way of doing this than to ask questions. Focus on what the other person is saying, rather than being more conscious to what I am going to say next. Listen intently. 

Now this is where the difficulty comes in. The reference says: Focus on the best things the other peerson offers. I find this challenging since we have the tendency to depict the slightest of mistakes. But if it makes me a better person to improve my relationship to others, I'm up for the challenge.

Day 3 teaches me to have a journal about pursuing my dream as I embark on my journey towards fulfilling this ultimate vision. It includes writing down everything that will make me want to aspire and reach for my dreams.

...to be physically fit

 

...renewed relationship with my husband, more intense; very much committed

 

 

...article writing as sideline...

 

 

...Company Promotion

 

 

...more savings

Today, take a few minutes to write down—and think about—the three key points of the Change Guarantee™:

1. Change always makes me a better person, no matter what.
2. Change will always bring a gift to my life; sometimes it is very obvious, other times it will take a while to discover.
3. Change is a key and necessary ingredient in life. When in the middle of a change, remember that it’s a required part of the recipe life is cooking for me.
   

Today, ask yourself:

 

What could be great about this change?

***PROMOTION/NEW ROLE/SIDELINE***

1. More income

2. More challenges to face that will hone my abilities abd capabilities

 

***WEIGHT LOSS***

1. Better figure

2. Healthier

 

***RENEWED RELATIONSHIPS***

1.Better wife

2. Better mother

3. Better workmate

4. Better person

5. Better friend

 

Who can help me through this change?

***PROMOTION/NEW ROLE/SIDELINE***

1. Myself

2. Learning from Best Practices from Bosses

3. My Father

 

***WEIGHT LOSS***

1. Myeself

2. My co-workers

3. My family

 

***RENEWED RELATIONSHIPS***

1. My husband

2.My family

3. Me

4. My friends

 

What opportunity has this change brought to me?

1. Opportunity to make me a better person and a more well-rounded person

 

What good things in my life haven’t changed?

1. My parents are still alive. Though bounded by limited mobility due to sickness and old age, they remain as the silver lining in my life.

2. My faith in God. Though it reaches rock bottom, I am willing to revive my spiritual relationship with my God

Inventory of interests, talents and current skill sets:

What job would you do, even if you weren’t getting paid?

*** Writing

What activities give you that kid-like jolt of energy?

*** Reading; Writing

What’s the feeling you’re looking for once you achieve your dream?

***elated; accomplished

Is there a smaller dream that might be the first step in getting to the larger dream?

***Yes

What skills do you have that will aid you in the pursuit of this dream?

***learning skills;

What steps can you take today toward pursuing your dream?

***1.Focus on my dreams; never be side-tracked

2. Hone positive learning behavior and skills

 

 

 

1. LOSE WEIGHT! Yeah, you got it right. That was exactly how the doctor wrote it in the prescription and in my medical certificate. My scoliosis has been affecting my mobility, works and functions for 7 years now. This has got to end! Last week, I went to see a doctor due to unexplainable pain. It turned out that aside from lumbar scoliosis, I already have osteo-athritis. This is also one reason why I find it hard to breath at times. Weight is a big factor. I need to shed off 45 lbs to fit my 5'2 height. Can you imagine that? So I really have to wrok hard, prioritize this wish because not only do i want to look good. Best of all, I want to be healthy. Really have to live long for my kids.

 

2. EXERCISE. Indulge into regular sports activity. This is related to my 1st wish. There is nothing more effective than doing effective physical activities. I have swimming on top of my head. I love swimming and I want to embrace water all the more. Then again, there is no swimming pool located nearby. It is also an expensive sport. So the next thing to consider is dancing. I've always been fascinated to hip-hop or street dancing. This early, I tried to watch hip-hop dance lessons via youtube and bit by bit I try to follow the moves. I hope by 2010 this will be a regular thing, like 3 times a week.

 

3.GO EASY WITH THE FOOD/DRINK INTAKE. Yes, still part of #1 wish. Rice is a staple food here. But beginning this week, I try to eat only half cup of rice/meal. i skipped dinner a while ago, just got myself an oatmeal instead. By 2010 I should make a pact with myself to go easy with sweets as well. My father is a diabetic. it runs in the blood. I don't want to worsen my now-worse medical situations.

 

 

 

4. MORE BLOGS, JOURNALS & ARTICLES. I love writing and this year, I have just written some blogs, that is, if I happen to be visited by my muse. But come 2010, part of the reason why I wanted to be serious in blogging and journal writing is that eventually, I wanted to hone my writing expertise (or should I say, my writing capabilities) into article writing that will eventually help me to earn a few bucks. I've been hearing strories left and right about having article writings as their side line. If it works for them, I would like to take a dive into this writing business. Anyway, writing is my first love.

 

 

5. DOMESTIC GODDESS. Don't get me wrong. I clean. I cook (God i love to cook). But I'm in the situation right now that I am caught between being a mother and a career woman. having a secular job, which requires most of my time, I admit that most of the time, I only function as someone who provides materially, and not really be the one doing work domestically. We do not have a maid, nor a baby sitter. i feel that there is no need to get one. Mytwin daughters are already 9 years old. When I'm at work, my mother-in-law takes care of them. I still cook everyday. Leave methe food handling. But washing clothes? Ironing clothes? Hmmm... I bring them to the laundry shop, instead. Cleaning house, I do once a week. Hopefully by 2010, I have more time at home than in the office. Though the twins are past their formative years, they are already in a situation that they do whatever they see. So if they see a responsible mommy, more likely, they will also act responsibly.

 

 

6. LEARN HOW TO DRIVE. This has been my long wish since I was 18. I am not 35 and yet, learning how to drive is still a life-long yearning and by 2010 I am determined to learn how to drive no matter what it takes.

 

 

7. DEBT FREE! I mean it. No more personal loans, no more credit card bills. And that will take me to wish #8.

 

 

8. EMBRACE FRUGAL LIVING. This is in line with my #7 wish list. Though there is a plan to add a sideline, I should also cut some expenses. This early, I am always reminding the twins that we have to embrace frugal living. No matter what it takes.
...if this means giving up a cup of my favorite White Choco Mocha Grande from Starbucks...whew! This is tough!
...if it means riding in a bus rather than taking a cab
...if it means doing my own nails rather than having foot spa (but I think I can still do one once in a while... what do you think?)
...if it means bringing my packed lunch
...if it means buying perfumes from Avon. Huhu, goodbye Victoria Beckham, Gucci, RL...

 

 

9. NEVER BE TOO TRUSTING.

 

 

10. LEARN TO SAY NO.

 

 

11. LIMIT SOCIAL NETWORK SITES like FACEBOOK, Netlog, Myyearbook... I gave up two already.I'll be giving up my Friendster account too.

 

 

12. Remove the names of people who do not matter to me from my email, address books, YM, IM, et.al. If they just treat me like shit in the past, there is totally no reason why their existence is still locked in my files.

 

 

13. Rekindle old friendship as far back as elementary days, high school days, office mates from my works before. This early, I thank Facebook for that. If I can forward SMS messages once a week/month, that will help to keep the friendship going.

 

 

14. Make an online journal (I was thinking of my account in LiveJournal) where all beautiful and memorable quotes will be posted. I don't want to waste such beautiful messages

15. Make online journal about my daily or weekly activities (thank you Vox!)

 

 

16. PACT to visit my mother every month. I have been a bad daughter. Aside from financial help, I am no longer functioning as a daughter to my mom. She is now in an advanced stage of Alzheimer.

 

 

17. Rekindle my role as a wife.

 

 

18. Make my Physical Therapy sesions regular to help improvement on my scoliosis.

 

 

19. Always stay POSITIVE!!!

20. De-clutter my drawers, and personal stuff every week. This includes going to the repair shop and have some of my blouses, shoes and bags repaired so I can use them all again. Other stuff should be taken away or given to those in need. It's like spring cleaning every week.

 

 

21. Always have a weekly schedule of bible study like:
MONDAY - Highlights of bible reading
TUESDAY - Congregation book study
WEDNESDAY - Service Meeting
FRIDAY - Bible study with the kids
SATURDAY - Watchtower Study

 

 

22. Monthly book to read about self-motivation. I am considering re-reading "Change Your Life In 30 days: A Journey To Finding Your True Self" by Rhonda Britten. I had my journal dedicated only for that book. Last month, as I was de-cluttering, I browsed my notes regarding that book. It helped me a lot at that time. But if I will be asked the same questions, I will be having different answers now. I am in a different situation now and needs a different outlook

 

 

23. Monthly book-reading of Fiction novels. This will make me remain balanced and will help me to get some ideas on how the plots were intelligently written.

 

 

24. More time for advance study with the twins.

 

 

25. Learn to play guitar. I bought a guitar as a present for K'ryz who was a consistent honor student.  I asked her what she wanted as a present and she said guitar so there was it. I kinda like to learn a little though. I hope it's never too late to teach "old dog -er, but beautiful dog, I amy say" new tricks. haha!

 

 

26.  SING! We have a videoke machine at home but is seldom used. As in very seldom. And singing is a stress-reliever so I would like to sing more.

 

 

27. TIME MANAGEMENT. With all these things that I am strong-willed to do by 2010, I need a wise and systematic organization of my time. Workloads should be more efficient so I have more time to do other stuff.

 

 

28. PICTURE PROJECT. More photo effects for the twins, my nieces and our family. This also include saving old printed photos and edit them in the computer

 

 

29.LEARN MORE. EXPLORE. EMBARK ON GOOD BOOK; SITES. About health. Scoliosis. Alzheimer. Leukemia. Neuralgia.

30. Devote 1 month to ba an Auxiliary Pioneer.

31. STOP. CONTINUE. START. I've been doing this sporadically but I think, I need to strictly implement this if I really want to see some drastic changes in my life for the better. It's STOPping the things that need to be put in the rubbish bin. CONTINUE the things that are effective and positive and START doing things which are relevant, healthy and positive.

 

 

32. LETTING GO OF MY EMOTIONAL BURDEN. The me-attitude should be burried deep. Now is the time for my kids to shine. It's not all about me anymore.

 

 

33. SELF-STUDY on Quality; Six-sigma and other Work-related manuals/books

 

 

34. REVIVE learning on LINGUISTICS & SOCIOLOGY.

 

 

 

35. FIND REASONS TO SMILE EVERYDAY!!!